How did we get here? How did it all go so terribly wrong?
To be fair, we didn’t end up in this shitdicament in five days.* With Durbin’s departure, the “I-don’t-give-a-rat’s-ass” sentiment has increased exponentially among the four Rant devotees (including me) who are even bothering to acknowledge that American Idol is still on the air. I’m not sure how I could be less interested in who wins. It’s not that McLeany and Lauren are terrible – they’re not. They just inspire in me a…spectacular indifference. I find myself longing for Langone and Lusky…even pining for Pia…just so I would have SOMETHING to say. I literally have been staring at this screen for the last two hours trying to come up with something witty, interesting and/or insightful to impart, and kids:
I. GOT. NOTHIN’.
Not helping matters is the fact that the producers decided to put a muzzle on the judges. When they were allowed to speak, Scotty’s original song entitled “This Crap Taco is Read More
Welcome to this week’s kinder more gentle rant as our true queen of rant, JenN had the audacity to go on vacation and I’m just not as bad-ass as she is. But thankfully JenN has sent me some replacement commentators to help me through what promises to be a tough night for… well… humanity.
Remember last week when they said over and over again that only 3 get to go home as heroes? Well apparently that was a big, fat, whopper of a lie as the firs thing they showed was last week’s loser, James Durbin going home to a hero’s welcome and stadium full of people. You go James with your ridiculous tail. You’re still my American Idol. (Or you were once everyone else got kicked off).
But back to the opening… FlipperDoodle emailed to point out Randy’s weird outfit – and says “Two minutes in and my husband’s favorite part so far is the Terra Nova commercial. And I don’t think he wants to watch Terra Nova”. I spot a guy in a dog suit Read More
Dawg, Dawg, awg awg aw-awg, Duckface, Duckface fa-ace, Ga Ga ooh la la…WANT YOUR BAD IDOL!
Come one, come all, to this freak-show edition of Duckface and the Dawg. Does anyone else find it worrisome that GaGa, a complete lunatic (though arguably a talented and/or brilliant one), is the only person making any sense on this clusterfuck of a show anymore?
And sweet mother of shit what was Fer-Pez wearing??
I woke up this morning to ZERO snarky emails, texts, faxes, telegrams, smoke signals, etc. about last night’s episode. I guess you all are as bored as I am.
- James sings “Don’t Stop Believing” and I suddenly can’t figure out how to parallel park. Hey, did you guys know Dawg was in Journey? He’s NEVER mentioned that before. Learn something new every day. James was…James. Side note – I think he’s going to Duckface’s hair stylist; they are sporting similar accent highlights.
- Piggy Del Hookerheels Von Disco Eyeballs sings “Earth Song.” Just what I needed. A lecture from someone who’s biggest contribution to society thus far is increasing sales of BeDazzlers and Etsy headbands. When I heard her sing this last night, grating Piggy-ing aside, my first thought was “this song is too big for her.” I just watched MJ’s video for the song and yo, yo, check it out, yo. When you write “We Are the World” you can get away with shit like this. 20-year-old Haley, CANNOT. Re-watching it today (I <3 pain) I am even more irritated. Oddly the judges, known far and wide for their Read More
Edición del Cinco de Drinko
Hola! Bienvenidos a La Cara de Pato y El Perro, Edición del Cinco de Drinko. Me llamo Juana-ita. Mi Espanol es horrible, pero no tan horrible como American Idol. Yo no sé por qué sigo viendo. Qué quiero realmente es hacer el dulce, amor dulce a Adám Levine. Pero supongo que no es ni aquí ni allá.
It is a sad state of affairs that the only way I can come up with an interesting intro for Duckface and The Dawg this week is by writing in another language. Next week I may try Swahili. On the up side, La Cara de Pato y El Perro does have a nice ring to it, no?
Please tell me you noticed how many times La Cara de Pato said beauteeful last night. He averaged three times per performance. Math is hard, I know, but that comes out to 30 times. I think this could be an excellent drinking game. Try playing it soon with someone you’d like to murder and let me know how that goes. For extra fun, take a pill every time Randy says “in it to win it!”
Rant Aficionada Amberoni sent me a cry for help last night. “”In this episode of Little House on the J-Lo… (WTF is she wearing?)…we have three ‘in-it-to-win-it’ contestants. Can we all agree we should just eliminate two… call it a three-way (three-way!) tie… and declare this season over? Please?”
If only, Amber. If. Friggin’. ONLY.
- James, by default, is pretty much who I’m rooting for at this point. At least, I would like to root for him. IF HE WOULD STOP SUCKING. That Thirty Seconds to Mars song Read More
Hello minions! Welcome to Duckface and the Dawg: A Very Special ‘Screw You Mother Nature!’ edition.
It must be Mo-Nat’s time of the month, because she has been one irate bitch lately, and thusly has been inconveniencing me every chance she gets. First she blows down five large trees behind my house. Then she makes me work late. Then she interrupts American Idol. Then she antagonizes my furtards at midnight with her loud-ass thundering, and they wake me up with their loud-ass barking, and I end up getting 3.5 hours of sleep.
Also, she killed, like, 300 people yesterday. Not cool Mo-Nat. Not cool at all.
So I am wearing an XL pair of cranky-pants today and doubt I will have one nice thing to say about last night’s Idol. But you didn’t come here for nice-nice, am I right, dawgs?
Off we go then. (I miss Simon so hard.) Read More
Friends, I’m running out of creative things to say about the 12-inch shit sandwich that is American Idol.
But I’ll try anyway. For you, my legions of fans (legions = seven), I will make this sacrifice.
Have you noticed that when the announcer introduces the judges J-Lo raises her hand when said-announcer says Steve Tyler’s name and vice versa? For a show that has one trillion viewers, you’d think the producers would have been able to work out that kink by now.
Meanwhile…what was that bizarre cast-off group number?? It troubled me on several levels, and not just because the ovaries-to-testicles ratio was whack. Poor Paul – what in the hell were they thinking? And has he gone completely tone deaf since he left the show? Also, I suspect Naima has not slept and has periodically been doing meth since she left the show. (Not even once, Naima!) It was less a performance and more a desperate cry for help. I think she might have karate-kicked someone in the front row in the face. That said, I often want to kick someone in the face while watching AI.
Off we go then.
- McLeany sings something so dull I’m too bored to type the name of the song. The judges are bored. I’m bored. McLeany is not in it to win it. Duh. He needs to bring it harder. I guess that means next week the microphone will be parallel with, instead of perpendicular to, the side of his face? (Geometry rules!)
- James sings some Muse. I liked Muse even before Twilight rammed it down my vampire-loving throat, but kids, I had a tough time with this one. I don’t think I noticed until last night that much of that song is only one note. However, I am OK with that, until Read More
I am a douche-canoe with incredibly poor time-management skills. I am going out of town for a wedding this weekend and, of course, have left all the wedding crapola details until the last minute. Heretofore, I did not have time to write The Rant until now and, such as, U.S. Americans don’t have maps and such as the Iraq, I am now penning this half-assed post-Das-Boot-episode in a transparent attempt to stay in your good graces. Such as. Thusly, I am going to make an attempt to keep the descriptions of Wednesday night’s shenanigans brief.
(Need a reference for the above? Check out Ms. Teen South Carolina)
- Paul sings “Old Time Rock and Roll” in a suit he bought at Cache. Crazy wild abandon. Getting something back from the audience that probably itches. A diamond in the rough with more polish. I love the you. Good on you. (I don’t know what that means.)
- Lauren sings ‘The Climb.’ Miley Cyrus can suck it. Snatch the Pia fans and put them in a bag. Did Cache have a BOGO sale this week? Put feather earrings on shopping list. I’m bored. I love the cry. I love what a song brings to you. (I don’t know what that means). BEAUTEEFUL. Read More
Welcome to this week’s edition of ‘Duckface and The Dawg!’ (Now with footnotes!)
First off, let me say what a pleasure it is to see that Steven Tyler is taking fashion advice from the Bronx Zoo Cobra. Meanwhile, Randy has apparently been shopping at Gimps ‘R Us. J-Lo looked great, though maybe she might want to invest in one of these.
But we’re not here for the fashion, right? We’re here because we love music. And mocking. Or just mocking. I don’t know. What were we talking about?
- Jacob Lusk sings “Let’s Get It On” “Man in the Mirror.” Marvin Gaye was too nasty for our boy Lusky, so he decided to switch to a much less controversial artist like Michael Jackson. Overall, it’s one of his less irritating performances… wait… is Lusky dry humping that back-up singer? That’s kind of Gaye, isn’t it Jacob? (HAHAHA see what I did there??) Oh, she’s not a back-up singer, she’s “that woman” who wrote the song. Duckface is having a senior moment and can’t remember her name. He likes that Jacob leaves little pieces of himself all over the place. J-Lo says it’s a beauteeful performance. Sigh. Randy spouts off some garbage about moral convictions. I’m going to need some extra drugs.
- Haley McHookerheels Miss Piggies her way through “Piece of my Heart.” If she keeps singing like that, she’s going to need an emergency tracheotomy, and not just because I Read More
Another week, another top 11 on American Idol and another Rant by our own JenN. That save last week was pretty dramatic – and can I just say “Hulk Hogan is my American Idol”… or not.
This week on Duckface and the Dawg…other people do my job for me…Duckface goes nearly an hour without telling someone his or her performance is beauteeful…barbers “cut” Casey’s hair almost as well as seamstresses sew in The Emperor’s New Clothes…the recommended daily allowance of karate chops to the neck is increased…and I am actually offended to my core on behalf of all my Jamaican brethren. (Note: I am not Jamaican. In light of last night, that appears to be irrelevant.)
Nothing tickles my pickle more than waking up at the crack of creation to find irate emails awaiting me regarding last night’s show! Keep it coming minions!! I will include everything you bitch about in The Rant. Unless I don’t agree with you. In which case…… suck it.
Also, I heart Elton John. Hard. I own a few of his CDs. You know I’m legit because I said CDs. I’m not some Elton-lover come lately, with the downloading and the iTuning and what have you. I believe I even have the cassingle of 1989’s “Sacrifice.” Arguably, not one of his best songs, but I’m a recovering sap.
Off we go then.
• McLeany leaves me totally astounded by singing “Country Comfort” in a “country style.” I’m kind of over Scotty. He’s a one-trick Ford F-150 and I’m bored. The only thing remotely interesting about his performance was that it wasn’t beauteeful. No doubt, Duckface got my memo and got himself a thesaurus…which enabled him to come up with incredible feedback like “there’s nothing I can say to you that an old-fashioned pair of high-heeled cowboy boots wouldn’t fix.”
I don’t understand what that means.
• Naima. My blood begins to pound in my head when I think about this. I have to save this for last.
• Paul sings “Rocket Man.” How do I put this? It was not…good. I’m a Paul fan – or at least I was. Dawg likes it when Paul is in the “tender zone.” That sounds like a steak special they should run at Outback. Duckface commends Paul on his not-hitting-the-correct-notes ability. Certainly something I look for in a singer. And hey, as Duckface points out, Paul must be good if he’s in the Top 12. What’s that? There’s only 11 now? Oh, right.
• Pia-bot 5000 sings “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” While I’m not sure she struck the cross between Fergie and Axl Rose that Jimmy requested (side note – wtf is that guy on and where can I get some?), she was good. I guess. Here, Duckface applauds her for choosing the right notes. I feel Duckface’s message about right notes versus wrong notes is getting somewhat muddled. Also, Pia makes him cry inside. Duckface makes me cry outside. Read More
Ah Thursdays… JenN is back with the continuing adventures of Duckface and The Dawg oh and yeah some J-Lo too. Enjoy!
For the love of sweet petite giraffes, can someone PLEASE get Steven Tyler a damned THESAURUS???
Hi everybody! Welcome to this week’s edition of The Rant: brought to you by Motown, the number 69, and the word beauteeful.
I am thrilled to see Randy-want-a-cracker is back, i.e. Ryan says in the pre-taped introduction that Motown was fearless, then Randy says it’s “like he said, fearless.” Raa-aaw! Give Randy a cookie! And maybe some Goo-gone!? Is that a piece of felt stuck on his chin?
Steven Tyler says Motown was “the rhythm of his kiss.” HORF! He actually made me throw up in my mouth, less than three minutes into the show.
J-Lo says…something, but I am too terrified of her eye-shadow to remember what it is. Also, may I say how utterly disappointed in myself that I didn’t come up with this? Dude looks like a Lopez? F’n brilliant.
Off we go then.
- Casey sings “I Heard It Through the Grapevine,” and I’m starting to feel like he’s yelling at me to put the lotion on my skin or else I get the hose again. Is it me, or did Casey have the crazy-eye again last night? I was rooting for him, but apparently last week’s “Smells Like Bad Decision” performance was not an isolated incident. His maniacal, sweaty “Grapevine” leaves me feeling cold and alone. I don’t think he’s going home any time soon, but he may be going to counseling. J-Lo says he has a “niche.” JenN says anyone who pronounces “niche” like “neech” is a pretentious assbag. Randy says “you only do you, you you you you.” Um, great. Duckface says “it’s beauteeful, man.” Read More